Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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