i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
