I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
