I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I FOUND THE LEGS
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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