As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
