I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
