its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
