I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
