I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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