My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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