Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize