I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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