so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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