it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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