i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
