My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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