I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
