True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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