If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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