He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
