She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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