I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
