Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
