I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Randomize