what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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