I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
