He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
