i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
