Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Pooping to opera.
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