I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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