walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
