mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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