she was so not down for the gang bang
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
