Sponge bath it is.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
