508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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