No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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