I seem to have left my pride at pride
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize