i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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