the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
