It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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