peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
