My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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