I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize