cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
