Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
