Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize
