a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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