Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
