ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
