that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
