We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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