so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
