it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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