My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
