Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
