The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
