The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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