i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
