Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I want to fling myself into the sun
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
