there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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