Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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