are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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