I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
