if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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