Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
