Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
