Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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