Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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