my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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